What Anxiety Looks Like
Teen boys can experience plenty of anxiety, even when they don’t have the words or the desire to talk about it. Sometimes anxiety looks like worry or nervousness. But in boys, it may also show up as irritability, anger, shutting down, avoiding certain situations, difficulty sleeping, changes in school performance, or spending more time gaming or on their phones. What looks like “not caring” can sometimes be a young person trying to manage emotions that feel difficult to explain.
Role of Adults
The adults around them can play an important role in how boys learn to respond to stress and worry. This doesn’t mean parents, teachers, coaches, or other caregivers are responsible for their anxiety. Rather, teens are constantly watching how the adults in their lives respond when things don’t go according to plan.
How do you Respond to Stress?
If a teenager regularly hears, “Don’t worry about it,” he may learn that worry is something he should push away. If he sees an adult become overwhelmed, angry, or avoid difficult situations whenever stress shows up, he may learn that stress is something to escape from.
On the other hand, adults can model something different: “This is stressful, but I can handle it one step at a time.” That might mean acknowledging your own frustration without making it someone else’s responsibility. It might mean taking a break before responding. It might mean talking openly about making a mistake, changing plans, or asking someone for help.
These everyday moments teach boys that experiencing stress doesn’t mean something is wrong with them. Additionally, they can learn they don’t have to immediately fix, avoid, or hide every uncomfortable feeling.
Giving Space; Not Forced
When a teen boy is struggling, our first instinct may be to ask questions: What’s wrong? Why are you acting like this? What’s going on at school? Sometimes that works. Other times it makes him retreat further.
Creating opportunities for conversation can be more helpful than demanding one. A car ride, walk, shooting hoops, grabbing food, or doing something side-by-side can make talking feel less intense than sitting across from each other and having a serious conversation. Sometimes the most helpful response isn’t advice. It might simply be: “That sounds like a lot. I’m here if you want to talk about it.”
Problem vs. Worry
Anxiety often takes a future problem and makes it feel like an immediate crisis. A helpful question can be: “What’s something you can do about this today?” If he is worried about an upcoming test, the answer might be studying for 20 minutes. If he’s worried about a friendship, perhaps the next step is having a conversation. If he’s worried about something completely outside his control, the work may be learning how to sit with some uncertainty rather than trying to eliminate it.
The goal isn’t to teach boys that they should never worry. Worry is part of being human. The goal is to help them discover that they can experience worry without allowing it to make every decision for them.
Extra Support
Despite everyone’s best efforts, sometimes anxiety becomes difficult to manage. When worry, avoidance, irritability, sleep difficulties, or changes in functioning persist, professional support can give a teen and his family additional tools and perspective. For boys, support doesn’t always have to begin with, “Let’s talk about your feelings.” Sometimes it begins with what is happening at school, with friends, in sports, at home, or in the things he cares about.
The adults in a young man’s life cannot remove every source of stress from his path; however, they can help him learn something valuable along the way: Stress is a reality, and worry happens; but you don’t have to face either one alone.
