Hidden Grief
Many of the men I work with carry grief that no one sees. It doesn’t always look like tears or time off work. Often it looks like keeping busy, distracting themselves, and not allowing themselves to think to long about who they used to be: the athlete who stopped playing, the student who had different plans, the younger version of themselves who believed life would unfold another way. The pain of loss feels uncomfortable, uncontrollable, even weak.
Lost Version of Self
There’s a particular kind of grief that comes from looking back and noticing the turns we didn’t take. Missed opportunities, unexpected circumstances, decisions made under pressure, chances that passed while we were focused on providing or surviving. Men are often taught to frame these moments as “lessons” and move on quickly, but inside there can still be a sense of loss for what might have been.
Loss of Relationships
Sometimes the grief is also about people: friendships that faded, relationships that ended, family members who changed, drifted away, or died. Even when life continues forward, a part of us remembers the version of life where those people were closer, where conversations were easier, or where we felt more understood. Men often hold these memories quietly, unsure where they fit in a world that expects them to be steady and forward-looking.
Grief isn’t Weakness
One thing I want men to know is that grieving past versions of yourself is not weakness; rather, it’s part of being human. When we ignore that grief, it tends to show up in other ways: irritability, numbness, overworking, or a constant feeling that something is missing. But when we allow space for it, something else can happen: a deeper understanding of ourselves and a clearer sense of what still matters.
Space to Process Loss
A practical next step can be simple but powerful: intentionally set aside time to reflect on one loss you’ve been carrying: whether it’s a past version of yourself, a missed opportunity, or someone you’ve grown apart from. Write about it, talk about it with someone you trust, or even take a quiet walk where you let those memories surface instead of pushing them away. Giving grief a place, even briefly, often helps men move forward with more clarity and less weight.
