You were given a blueprint for being a man, but what happens when you follow it and still don’t feel like yourself? Maybe you were taught that being a man means being tough, working hard, providing, protecting, keeping your word, not showing too much emotion, handling your own problems, being successful or being someone others can count on.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with many of these qualities. Responsibility, reliability, courage, and perseverance can be good thing, but sometimes the expectations pile up until you’re no longer asking, “What kind of man do I want to be?” Instead, you’re asking, “What kind of man am I supposed to be?” Those aren’t always the same thing.
When the Blueprint Doesn’t Fit
You may have absorbed messages about masculinity from your family, coaches, teachers, friends, or the men around you. Over time, those messages can become rules: A man should be strong. A man should provide. A man should have the answers. A man shouldn’t need help.
You might keep pushing through exhaustion because stopping feels irresponsible. You might avoid asking for help because you’ve learned that needing support means you aren’t handling things properly. You might feel like you always have to be the one who fixes things, makes the decisions, or keeps everyone else together. Eventually you might wonder, “If this what I’m supposed to be doing, why doesn’t it feel like me?”
Redefining Masculinity
You can still be dependable without being constantly available. You can still be strong while admitting something is difficult. You can provide for your family without believing your value depends entirely on what you earn. You can take responsibility without believing you have to carry everything alone.
The goal isn’t to abandon your responsibilities. It’s to become more intentional about which responsibilities are truly yours to carry.
Start with Your Values
Ask yourself, “What kind of man do I want to be,” as opposed to “What kind of man would impress other people?” or “Who was I told I should be?”
What qualities do you value? Maybe it’s strength, integrity, kindness, courage, patience, curiosity, being a present father, being a good partner, or simply being someone who lives according to his word. Likely you don’t need to throw away everything you’ve been taught. Keep what fits with your values, and tweak what doesn’t.
Reframing
Maybe the question isn’t, “Am I man enough?” Instead, “Am I becoming an authentic man: someone I actually want to be?”
